"Just Tell Me What to Do" Is Not Helping (The Mental Load Problem)

"Just tell me what you need and I'll do it!"

Sounds supportive, right? Like you're being a helpful partner.

But here's what your partner actually hears: "I'm willing to do tasks, but you still have to manage me. You have to figure out what needs to happen, break it down into steps, and assign me a task. And then follow up to make sure I did it."

You just made them your manager. And that's exhausting.

What Mental Load Actually Is

Mental load isn't about who does more tasks. It's about who has to remember, plan, anticipate, and manage all the things that need to happen.

Here's the difference:

The task: Buying diapers

The mental load: Remembering you need diapers, checking what size, researching brands, comparing prices, adding them to the list, making sure you actually buy them before you run out, knowing where to store them, tracking when you'll need the next size up.

The task: Making a pediatrician appointment

The mental load: Researching pediatricians, checking insurance coverage, reading reviews, calling to see who's taking new patients, scheduling the appointment, putting it on the calendar, making sure someone can be there, knowing what documents to bring, remembering to ask your questions.

See the difference? The task is the easy part. The mental load is all the invisible work that happens before, during, and after.

And right now—whether you have a baby yet or not—your partner is probably carrying most of it.

The Problem with Being a "Helper"

When you say "just tell me what to do," you're positioning yourself as a helper, not a co-parent.

Helpers wait for instructions. Co-parents take ownership.

Helpers need to be managed. Co-parents anticipate what needs to happen and handle it.

Your partner doesn't want a helper. They want a partner who sees what needs to be done and does it—including all the invisible work of figuring out WHAT needs to be done.

What Taking Ownership Actually Looks Like

Taking ownership means you handle entire projects from start to finish, including all the planning and mental work.

Not ownership: "Do you want me to look into daycare?" (You're asking them to manage you.)

Ownership: "I'm researching daycares this week. I'll make a spreadsheet with options, costs, and availability, then we can discuss together."

Not ownership: "Should I make dinner?" (They have to decide for you.)

Ownership: You plan meals for the week, make sure you have ingredients, and handle dinner without asking.

Not ownership: "What do we need from the store?" (They have to make the list.)

Ownership: You notice what's running low, check the pantry, make the list, and handle it.

The key is: Your partner shouldn't have to manage you.

Why This Matters During Pregnancy

If your partner is pregnant, they're already doing an enormous job. They're growing a human. That's their contribution to the household right now.

They're dealing with nausea, exhaustion, hormones, physical discomfort, and the mental weight of preparing for a massive life change.

If the household division of labor hasn't shifted to accommodate that, you're asking too much of them.

And here's the hard truth: The patterns you establish during pregnancy will intensify after the baby arrives.

If your partner is managing everything now, they'll manage everything when the baby's here too. And that's how resentment builds.

How to Actually Share the Mental Load

1. Own entire domains, not just tasks

Pick specific areas and take them completely off your partner's plate:

• Groceries (noticing, planning, shopping)
• Meal planning (deciding, prepping, cooking)
• Pet care (feeding, vet, supplies)
• Bills and finances
• Household supplies (noticing when you're low, reordering)

2. Stop asking permission or direction

Change your language from "Should I..." to "I'm going to..."

Not: "Should I do the laundry?" But: "I'm doing laundry, is there anything specific you need washed?"

3. Do the research yourself

When something needs to be figured out—daycare, pediatricians, car seats, whatever—YOU figure it out. Google it. Ask other parents. Make calls. Present options.

Don't make your partner do the research and then just execute their plan.

4. Anticipate, don't just react

Notice when the trash is getting full and take it out before it overflows. Notice when you're running low on diapers and order more before you run out. Notice when laundry is piling up and do it.

Don't wait to be told.

The Test

Not sure if you're carrying your share of the mental load? Ask yourself:

• Could your partner leave for a weekend and you'd know how to handle everything?
• Do you know what's on the schedule without being reminded?
• Can you anticipate what needs to happen next without being told?
• Are there entire projects where you're the point person, not the helper?

If you answered no to any of these, you have work to do.

The Bottom Line

If your partner is the default manager and you're the helper, that's not a partnership. That's your partner doing double work—their own tasks PLUS managing you.

Your partner doesn't need you to do more tasks. They need you to take ownership.

They need to know they're not alone in remembering, planning, and managing everything. They need to trust that you'll notice what needs to happen and handle it without them having to ask.

That's what being a co-parent actually means.

Ready for week-by-week guidance on being an equal partner? Sign up for ouor Partner Series for practical strategies on mental load, division of labor, and showing up as a true co-parent from pregnancy through the first eight weeks.